...Beginning again...?

“ so what are you so afraid of?" tell me what are you so afraid of?

rodeo clown is a song by Dijon off his 2021 album Absolutely. I first listened to the album sometime in uni and feel in love with his music, the intensity of it and rawness. it isn’t until recently that I’ve had the song on repeat having my airbuds report that I listened to it forty times in a week, I can’t seem to stop listening over and over and over. Feeling myself ask the lyrics in my head , what am I ashamed of? what am I afraid of?

you’re missing out…

I stared at the blood moon on my birthday this year and I really wanted to know what I was doing here. What was the thing that would make my heart beat evenly in my chest and my skin not too tight. She didn’t say anything just stared back at me and disappeared behind gray clouds.

I am in my early twenties and I feel so scared to settle on one path, do it forever. I ask myself if I made the right decision. If the time I spent at university was a waste, If I’ll have the strength to walk away after pouring so much time, effort and money into doing something that I don’t want to do anymore. I wasted time and now I’m scared to choose between wasting more time in it or starting over with a new thing that I might be tired of in the next four years. That I will be wrong in my choosing again.

when will I not be ashamed?

I am scared that my changing will not fit over my skin and feel like me. That in between the changing and skin I’ll have empty shelled out spaces, that shame and guilt will occupy a larger space and that strangeness will be all around me, an unfamiliarity that stays, makes a home in the structure of my bones and assimilates completely. how will I move about the world, a foot of guilt first and shame following behind: one after the other over and over for the rest of my time here, time that seems to stop for hours at a Time then blaze past me and slip through my hands with anger and despair.

“Cause you’re missing out on good good loving… you’re missing out”

I do not have any answers yet and I am hoping that my writing this down will help in the shedding of this shame, will allow me to hold my hand out and reach for the things I want and I will be able to hold them for long enough to find out if they fit or if they belong to someone else. I am learning to love myself and be graceful, to look in the mirror and remember that those kind eyes looking back at me are mine and that they are what look into the world.