Defiance or Penance
March is over and my heart is bleeding
All the starts in the sky will they tell me how to feel?
If I make it to the line at the end of the clouds will I find myself
Will I feel at home
Will I halt and be present
Will all of my loneliness come to an end
If the darkness engulfs me will I disappear or reappear
Will I feel nothing when I am air
And all the noise evaporates
There is a bright light up ahead of me
I can’t move my legs
I seem to be rooted at the spot
My limbs ( they ) have merged with the concrete I stand on
They are going back home
Where is my home?
The four walls that trap me every night?
And what if my dreams
That gnaw at me and tear my flesh away
are what is real, here(?)
If I draw breath into my lungs
Where does it go ?
I do not feel it inside of me
Where is my scream?
My anger?
My voice which should tear through
All the loneliness
Longing
I have dragged my feet through life with only my lack of love and culpability
I am crawling to the pew
Asking for Allah to forgive me for smoking on holy ground
Asking God to forgive me for my mother’s callousness
Asking the sun to scorch the skin off my bones
Asking the moon to take me home
Here in this hopeless state
I feel cathartic
I feel nothing and everything
It is brave, I have been brave with my loneliness
Allow me to abandon my legs
My arms too
Hail Mary , full of grace
The lord is not with me
He has forsaken me
He has forgotten me
But I will forget God before he does me , he will crawl on his belly like the serpents to beg for my forgiveness
He will weep and wail and I will turn away
No limbs attached to my frame and slither towards the scorching sun
I am free now
My invisibility will merge with his creation and we will be one; he will not abandon me again
These walls cease to suffocate me
And when I breathe air in my lungs I feel my body and I fell the faint thumping
Tu du tu du tu du…….
Hail Mary the stars are with me
I am not forgotten
I am going home